Walking Through her Silhouettes

2010-03-29T20:32:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, the hopefulness of a million wishes and expectations is never sufficient to compensate the pain caused by one single disappointment.

Simply, I've decided to trust that what will come, will come.

2010-03-06T15:47:00.002+08:00

Its all over. The 12 long and enduring years of rigorous academic years are over.

Precisely this moment, I stop walking. I need to break away.

My results are set, marking the end of the regurgitation and consistency. And now, here I am facing a new phase of my life.

Suddenly, a surge of emotions rush over me. Melancholy and fear being the most obvious.
Once again, I have to brace myself, for I will be thrown into a complete new and unkown environment. Somewhere definitely not within my comfort zone. There will be a loss of familiarity.

No more templates to follow. No more patterns to trace.

Soon, I will have to pave my own road ahead.
Along the way, I'll be hoping to come across a cross-junction, whereby friends that I've known for life will tell me that we are all on the right track together...

Nothing will change.
I hope.

A Walk To Remember

2010-02-28T23:26:00.003+08:00

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous
Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish.
It does not take offence and is not resentful..."

-A Walk to Remember, 2002

It never irks me to watch the show over and over again...

2010-02-27T23:21:00.001+08:00

She needs a dose of Independence!

Bernice is Down

2010-02-25T22:47:00.004+08:00

Hot then Cold

Yes then No

In then Out

Up then Down

The Rhythm continues and I can't seem to stop despite my effort to mask the pretence that it doesn't matters..

Lost and bruised.

2010-01-19T20:08:00.002+08:00

Stop giving me hopes and crashing them one by one when I've already acknowledge them to be the reasons why I smile.

Words that do not link!

2010-01-01T20:39:00.002+08:00

Bernice is pleasing her dad by ironing his wardrobe so that she can go overseas!

She has 4 new pieces of clothings and shes now tryng to find an opportunity to wear them!

Happy happy happy!

I want new shoes and manicure packages!

Sarah demands that I shop with her for duhm-duhm's and Lucas's stuff!

Christmas Blues

2009-12-22T12:55:00.002+08:00

As usual, Bernice is feeling blue across the festivity.

Its cold.

Its superficial.

and,

She feels claustrophobic.

2009-12-21T12:51:00.002+08:00

I have a thousand words to say.

Heartfelt and real, nothing generic.

Yet, when I open my mouth,

Everything seems blatant and generic.

Ties that Bind

2009-12-18T21:56:00.001+08:00

With lots of joy: HL, Maryse, Shaun, William, Cao and Bernice!

2009-12-16T12:48:00.003+08:00

Here's the dire consequence of cycling and roller skating 38km (calculated by Goh HL) without training and warm-up : Body and muscle aches.

Well I told them that I would blog about our cycling trip so here it is!

I'll skip the morning meeting and stuff since it would be really embarrassing for someone to not know how to go to ECP despite walking there for umpteen times! :D

The cycling trip was more than just a mere meeting for us. I guess it was a good time to realize the ties we have forged. There were moments of silence along the long, endless stretches of road but they weren't awkward because we know that all of us do care somehow despite the absence of spoken words.

Then came the climax, Mar rolled down from her bike and we were all stunned and amused!
Though the pain was there, she hounded us to describe how she fell off her bike. Thats totally crazy and thats so Maryse!
We continued cycling back to ECP after stinging her with iodine!

The cycling trip was definitely exhausting but its never boring and challenging when we are all there for each other.

The gentle sea breeze and the cracking sound of the dried leaves we trampled through made me realized how soon it will be before we all go our separate ways.

"Keep left guys! Bikers ahead!" Yes, keep left guys. Lets all continue to move forward together while challenges prevail from what lies ahead of us...

With Lots of Love,

2009-12-14T23:16:00.002+08:00

Woots!

Bernice Loves Today!

She replaced her false lashies!

She bought a new black dress!

She went out with daddy and mummy!

2009-12-12T14:50:00.002+08:00

Bernice just ironed her entire wardrobe, half her sister's wardrobe and her dad's wardrobe!

She feels domestically accomplished! Yay!

In 3 hours time, She will be in Bugis street digging for vintage apparels!

Woots! More clothes to iron and steam! How exciting!

Next up!

Magic Clean her house!

Clearly she isn't a spoilt brat!

She's just Daddy's Girl (spendthrift version)!

2009-12-11T00:57:00.003+08:00

I've watched Beauty and The Beast and I came home with 2 thoughts.

Everyone has a mask
Mar's thought struck me real hard. People wallow on how they put up a front when they are outside of their comfort zone. However, the truth is, everyone has a mask and no one is spared when I refer to everyone. Its a sudden realisation because I was actually naive to think that there are some out there who are absolutely true to themselves. Its the thickness or the subtlety of the mask that matter.

Beauty and The Beast does not necessarily teach ppl not to "Judge a Book by its Cover"
Beauty did fall in love with the Beast. However, the beast is and will eventually be a Prince Charming. What's the purpose if everyone knows that a Prince Charming lies beneath the ugly facade?

I am reading Paulo Coelho's "Veronika Decides to Die" again.
I absolutely love the book.
Its definitely more than a book. Its a masterpiece.

Happy Now! Toodles!

2009-12-08T19:43:00.002+08:00

Beyond A Reasonable Doubt...

2009-12-07T17:16:00.002+08:00

Bernice is pretty pretty pretty nervous for her interview tomorrow morning!

Enough of boredom and very sick of Zombie vs. Plants.

2009-12-06T21:05:00.002+08:00

The act of being civil and somewhat sweet,
Is that natural? Is that love?
Or is that a disguise for distance and discomfort?

Always civil and nice is politically correct.
And I hate politically correctness because it creates subtle distances...

2009-12-01T22:17:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, even the softest voice can be heard.

What say, the unspoken written words?

One can feel so forlorn over the smallest matter.

2009-11-29T14:55:00.002+08:00

Listening to the Wind's call...

2009-10-29T19:02:00.002+08:00

The act of wallowing in disappointment breeds selfishness.

2009-10-06T17:35:00.004+08:00

Ice always shatters before it melts...

2009-10-02T00:51:00.002+08:00

Fragmented.

The harder I try, the further I drift...

2009-08-25T13:34:00.002+08:00

Feeling melancholy over bitter tales with bitter endings.

Still, I anticipate the sombre sequel...

2009-07-12T16:41:00.003+08:00

Moroseness.

Its rushing through me.

2009-07-04T23:28:00.002+08:00

LACHRYMOSITY

"... I'm just waiting for something that feel real or familiar."

Carmen Lowell, Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.

2009-06-30T16:05:00.002+08:00

People are too caught up with their lives.

As if I am not.

They chase after blank papers, all in black and white.

While I choose to write my words on a fallen wooden block.

Let them shred their papers, let them bury their emotions into the dirt.

Save my wooden block.

Let it rot, let it rot.

Let it fertile my barren thoughts.

A myriad of emotions.

2009-06-05T20:49:00.003+08:00

For the past 72 hours,

I Laughed Out Loud.
I had a fair share of laughter with my beloved friends, sisters and 1 brother. Literally, we gossiped, we shopped, we ate heartily, we teased each other like crazy and we shared lots of secrets!

I Cried Out Loud.
I lost control. I lost my sense of balance. I lost my senses.

I was filled with Angst.
One moment I felt so trapped and claustrophobic. I got so worried and tensed up because I did not know what to do next. I got so disgusted with myself. (Dear Sarah, we should be blood-related).

I felt Damn Awkward.
I am thinking too much. I am expecting too much and I took a wrong step.

I felt a sudden surge of Emptiness.
I am not myself because I am accomodating things that are clearly not pleasing to me.

I felt Embarrassed.
All thanks to Maryse , Bimbo and the other podium buds, I did a ballerina turn and I squawked like a chicken at Settlers’. Nevertheless, I had lots of fun.

Precisely This Moment,
I want to laugh crazily, I want to cry my eyes out, I want to scream and be really angry, I want to be left in solitude, and I want to be insane...

2009-06-01T17:20:00.003+08:00

"Our greatest pretences are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there. "

~Eric Hoffer, Passionate State of Mind, 1955

Claustrophobic.
I just feel like crying.
I just hate to fit in.
I hate my altered ego.

2009-05-09T22:26:00.002+08:00

Nothing else matters.

because,

Bernice never felt happier.

2009-04-30T22:26:00.004+08:00

To the one whom I carelessly cut

Worries, depresses me.

Guilt, worries me.

Truth, rocks my sanity.

To some extent, I have failed.

I've failed because the concept of hypocrisy that I abhor so much,

Has become a make-up that I put on each day.

I have decided to stop apologizing,

Because, the spoken regrets are no longer sincere...

2009-04-10T18:35:00.002+08:00

First was guilt and then came regret.

I have never felt this much.
I have been over-confident.

Nothing was said.
Nothing was done.

The music, less melodious.
The rhythm fades.

Perhaps, its time for me to be less zealous.

Perhaps, I should just move on.

2009-03-08T20:12:00.002+08:00

Just Back in Time,
Nostalgia, is A Child's Gift
and A Thousand Words, The Sweetest Sin,

Somewhere Out There, Then Somebody Bends,
I see a blue Agapanthus, it seems again,
I am Chasing An Illusion.

No matter the Past, Present and Future,
Precisely This Moment I've Cried,

for,

I have An Aversion to Change.
To Love Life Again...

2009-02-20T23:20:00.002+08:00

Okays to entertain my beloved Jalyn...

1.What have you been doing recently ?
Flipping through lectures notes without actually understanding them.

2.Do you ever turn your cell phone off ?
No unless it shuts down by itself.

3. What happened at 10am today ?
I was playing Tricia's Love Calculator on her phone!

4. When did you last cry ?
Last Wednesday.

5. Believe in fate/destiny ?
Not really.

6. What do you want in your life now ?
Consistency.

7. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains or just put up your hood?
An umbrella.

8. What's your favourite thing to do on the bed ?
Toss my BROWNIE Bear!

9. What bottoms are you wearing now ?
Jay Jay's black shorts.

10. What's the nicest things in your inbox?
10 Best Moments in Life.

11. Do you tend to make your relationship complicated ?
I can't be bothered about it.

12. Are you wearing anything borrowed from anyone ?
Certainly not!

13. What was the last movie you caught ?
Twilight.

14. What are you proud of ?
Everything that I have confidence in.

15. What does the oldest text msg in your inbox say ?
Goodwill wishes to my friends.

16.What was the last song you sang out loud ?
Backstreet Boys, Inconsolable.

17. Do you have any nicknames?
Lots of them! KONG BAR, BAO, Barney...

18. What does the newest text say ?
Lots of love from my dearest dearest friend Sarah.

19. What time did you go to bed last night ?
12.15 am

20. Are you currently happy ?
Not really.

21. Who gives you the best advise?
Meself.

22. Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can ?
No definitely!

23. Who did you talk on the phone last night ?
I did not talk to anyone last night!

24. Is something bugging you now?
The bloody common test.

25. Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Hmm. I can't really remember. KY or Limin I suppose.

hees!

I'm soo gonna fail my Chemistry.

I came Home feeling empty

2009-01-27T23:50:00.003+08:00

Sometimes its just so difficult to express what is on my mind.

I came home feeling damn empty and hypocritical. It was supposed to be normal for me.
But today was different.
I talked to my sister and my mum and suddenly I was overwhelmed by the intricate and temperamental nature of life, of what my parents experience so far.

Then I started to reflect. What happened in the past that actually mould my personality, just personality.
Was it bubu or gracie?
What made me feel that arrogance is a strength even though I know fully that it is a damn flaw?
What made me so aloof even when my parents told me it is wrong since young?

I talked to dearest Sarah and Limin.
They told me I was "hard to reach".
I am not shocked, neither am I disappointed in myself.
I felt sane and calm.
But why? Shouldn't I be worrying?

Sometimes, when I look at them, I envy them so much.
I'm very impressed by Sar's ability to mingle and be clear-minded at the same time.
I envy Limin's vibrancy and almost care-free personality.
My strong friendship with them was somewhat based on what I lacked.
Towards each other, we are never stingy nor selfish. We take and we go.

Because of that, I want them to shine like the brightest start in the dark night.
I hope for them to achieve what I can't.

It sounds really cheesy but its true.

EMPTY
EMPTY
EMPTY

Towards work and studies,
I always felt that I can achieve more.
But the fact is, I remain rather stagnant.

I was once, a current following the river flow.
Something hit me hard in my head and I realised how much I want to stand strong to go against the current.
It is just so difficult to stay compose.

Seeing the struggles that my mum and cousin went through,
I don't deserve to be tired.

And I fully understand why I shouldn't be complaining.

Bernice

An Aftermath

2008-12-26T22:14:00.003+08:00

Here I am.
Trapped in my realm of fantasy.

The fictitious plot that holds my heart and passion dearly.
The tantalizing thoughts of what I yearn to have.

By my keen interest to know what destiny holds for the writers' puppets,
I was plagued.

Plagued by the fact that I am chasing an illusion.

For I am longing for a path beyond my wildest imagination.

面具下的人

2008-11-23T13:38:00.004+08:00

这一刻不是真的。
对他而言，一辈子的一刻都不会是真的。

面具是假的。
面具的美，就是他的一切。

言行举止都是做作的。
他不在乎。

虚情假意。
在面具下，情为何物？

面具的傀儡，
心是否是真的？

I am a constant worrier.

2008-08-23T23:48:00.002+08:00

What Mrs Raj said was right. I am a worrier.

Its only recently that I realised that worrying is my greatest weakness and submitting to the fear of not being good enough is my flaw.
I had been really complacent. I am bruised by the consequences of my complacency, disappointments. For not being up to my expectations, I worry. For not pushing myself to the limits, I worry. For not taking the first strides, I worry. For my family, I worry. For not drawing the curtains at night, I worry. For not listening to my parents, I worry...

I worry for almost everything.

Because of all these worries, I haven't been happy, I haven't been without the constant fear of not being good enough. My confidence level is low.
Just when I thought I had a certain strength, the fear of changes had made me incompetent and disabled me from applying what I thought I was good at.

All this while, I was contemplating. And I thought that all the contemplation would mature me and clear my doubts.
I was wrong. These contemplations however, were never strong enough to make me act. How superficial right?

Now, I worry for the next change, I fear losing out.
All my perturbations.

Perhaps only Sarah will understand me.
Nobody does now. Not even those closest to me.

"WORRY NEVER ROBS TOMORROW OF ITS SORROW;
IT ONLY SAPS TODAY OF ITS STRENGTH."
A.J. CRONIN

I know its true. I'm really trying hard to stop worrying.

Bernice

Fragments deeply etched

2008-05-17T23:05:00.003+08:00

The Mirror Reflection: The eyes chooses what to see and what one wants to see.

The Vitriolic Shades

Just Back in Time,
Nostalgia, is A Child's Gift,
and A Thousand Words, The Sweetest Sin.

Somewhere Out There, Then Somebody Bends,
I see a blue Agapanthus, it seems again,
I'm Chasing An Illusion.

No matter the Past, Present and Future,
Precisely This Moment I've Cried,
for,

I have An Aversion to Change...
To Love Life Again.

Bernice

reflections

2007-05-26T19:23:00.000+08:00

i've just finished reading 'A Thousand Words' on mugglenet.
i'm feeling sore, empty and really depressed by both parts of the epilogue.

it looks like the fear of losing love, and the despair of partings will always intrigue one's mind and slit one's heart.
leaving behind the pain of bleeding and the ever-lingering memories.

love,
Bernice

All's done

2006-10-28T13:12:00.000+08:00

All's done.
All's said.
To-night
In a strange bed
Alone
I lie.
So slight
So hid
As in a chrysalid
A butterfly.

Anon

sorry...

2006-05-21T17:07:00.000+08:00

Sorry. signify nothing
it does not change what happened and neither does it erase pain.

Sorry.
Sings One's Regret that Relieves Yesterday's pain.

that's what sorry stands for.

love,
Bernice

beneath the facade

2006-03-30T19:55:00.000+08:00

beneath the facade
she lives in sighs.

beneath the facade
she cries inside.

beneath the facade
guilt cage in her lies.

beneath the facade
tears run down her eyes.

beneath the facade
despair runs in light.

beneath the facade
desires bind her conscience.

beneath the facade
truths were scarced.

love,
Bernice

2006-03-17T21:03:00.000+08:00

cold.

sour.

sweet.

bitter.

disappointment.

i'll never forget today,
the 17 of March 2006

Bernice.

those green eyes i saw...

2006-02-19T18:10:00.000+08:00

those green eyes i saw
lingered in my mind

those green eyes i saw
were filled with lollipop sweetness
that tinted my mind.

those green eyes i saw
embrace me tight in the night
when my fears were high.

those green eyes i saw
guided me to the door
when i was lost.

those green eyes i saw
gave me comfort and warmth
when coldness was around.

those green eyes i saw
made me smile
when i sob.

those green eyes i saw
opened up my windows
when i thought hopes were gone

those green eyes i saw
gave me strength
when my dreams were broken

those green eyes i saw
was my angel
when fate began her cruel intentions

those green eyes i saw
made me know who i am
and where i stand

those green eyes...

love,
Bernice [tom felton rox]

of why, what, you and misses

2005-10-11T11:57:00.000+08:00

you sat there quietly.
your eyes, cold and troubled sent me shivers of heartache.
i want you to confide in me.
like what we used to do last time.
where we share our thoughts, laughters, tears and burdens.

but now, i don't know what had happened.
maybe i did something wrong.
you treated me like a stranger with coldness and restrictions.

i asked you why.
you shove me aside and said fine.
soon, you stood up and started walking away.
without a final glance.

my tears, like scattered pearls fell.
what happened to the love we used to share.
what went wrong.
what about all the sweet promises you gave me.
when you said that you'll always be there for me.

where were you?....when i needed you the most.
you were neither by my side nor in my sight.

i miss your mesmerising smile
your angelic voice
your wonderful face
your beautiful soul

and most importantly...
i miss my pillar of support and love...

love,
Bernice [no comments]

Rain

2005-09-04T12:23:00.000+08:00

Rain

It's Raining now...
Cold, dark, misty and wet...

I'll never forget...
How i felt
Standing in the cold rain alone...

Fear
Anxiety
Depressed
Lonely

When you turned your back...
And said its over...

Your words,
Were neither sweet nor kind
They were bitter and cruel

Not even a final glance
You started walking away
Leaving me alone
Slowly disappearing from my sight
Into the cold misty rain...

A year had passed without a trace...

Raining heavily,
I sat at the bustop
Waiting for the rain to stop...

I saw somebody running towards my direction in the heavy rain
It was you...

You came running to me
Wet and soaked...

Standing just before me,
Your eyes filled with guilt

You held my hands gently
And said you were sorry
With the greatest sincerity in your voice...

I hated you...
I hated you for causing me so much grief and sorrows...

But then,
I hated myself more...
For loving you...

Love,
Bernice [jus me...]